Are his hobbies more important than hers?
How come (married) men have more free time than their wives? Even when there are kids in the picture?
It’s common knowledge that heteronormative marriage tends to benefit men more often than women.
“Men derive greater health benefits from marriage than women. Married fathers receive an earnings boost, while mothers receive a penalty.1”
There’s an additional thing men have going for them when they’re married (with children): they have more free time.
On average, adults without children have 30.4 hours of leisure a week, while adults with children have 24.5 hours of leisure a week. But husbands without children have an average of 31.2 hours of leisure—which is 1.6 hours more of leisure time than their wives. And husbands with children average 25.7 hours of leisure a week—2.9 hours more leisure time than their wives.
How does your hobby impact your partner?
When it comes to free time and what activities fill that, there’s a very critical difference between men’s and women’s hobbies:
Most men have or choose hobbies that take them out of the house during the day and last several hours (at the very least). These include hobbies like golf, training for a marathon, fishing/hunting, or other physical activities (rock climbing, hiking, etc.). If they have indoor hobbies like video games or watching sports, they’re not to be disturbed during match time. It’s sacred.
In contrast, most women have hobbies that keep them in or near the house so they can be more available for their kids/spouses. These would be hobbies like book clubs, yoga, gardening, reading, etc. Even if women practise these hobbies outside the house (e.g., yoga classes or going to someone else’s house for a book club), it’s usually for a shorter period and can be done at night when the kids are asleep.
When I first saw Paige Turner’s reel on men’s and women’s hobbies, I expected it to go in the traditional “oh, these are expected from a woman vs. man” direction. But no, it’s so much worse.
Much like professions, hobbies are usually influenced by what society expects of us.
Women are generally encouraged to choose professions that will not interfere with their ‘home lives.’ This means selecting professions that allow them to manage a home (their kids, general upkeep, etc.), and a simple, no-stress, no-frills career is the best way forward. So professions like interior design or education are considered hobbies or fun (engaging?) things to do in your free time while the kids are at school are heavily encouraged.
Conversely, men are encouraged to pursue engineering or become doctors and lawyers, really laying into the STEM and powerful position of it all. This cements their positions as breadwinners of the family.
There’s a lot of rhetoric around men choosing golfing or fishing to get some time away from their homes, their nagging wives, and cranky kids. Okay, we’ll take that bait.
Why don’t women get that same alone, free, extended time to themselves, then? Is it because we expect caretaking, mothering, etc., to come naturally to women? Or do we just not expect men to (be able to) take care of their own kids for a few hours?
Most girls have grown up being in-charge when mom is away. Whenever moms need to go away for some time, it’s on the girlchild to step up and ensure that the pre-cooked meals are heated up and given on time, including to the dads. Not to mention keeping track of all the chores and errands.
“Don’t disturb or bother Dad, he works so hard all day, he deserves his free time.”
In 2003, more than 20 years ago, there was a study on this, to check if men actually have more free time. Well:
“Men and women do experience free time very differently. Men tend to have more of it. Marriage and children exacerbate the gender gap and market work hours erode men’s and women’s free time in different ways. Our findings reveal that despite gains toward gender equality in other domains, discrepancies persist in the experience of free time.”
Do you use your leisure time for others?
Even when it’s not about hobbies and time away from home, leisure looks very different for men and women.
“Men tend to use their time off for leisure and for themselves. Women tend to use time off in service of others.” - Paige Turner
Think about family barbeques or parties from when you were younger. If you grew up with a mam and dad, and perhaps grandparents… where were they? In my case, my mam and gran would be in the kitchen, chatting and preparing the food. The men in the family, however, would probably be at the barbie, while enjoying a beer in the garden. I can guarantee one thing about these get-togethers: my mam would be the last to eat.
Women are always busy. We are famously great at multi-tasking… but are we really? Or is that just a story we are told from a young age to establish the fact that we will be expected to juggle a million things every single day until we die? -
on
Whether they’re reading while something is simmering on the stove or baking in the oven, folding laundry while catching up on a show, or listening to an audiobook while driving the kids to/from somewhere, they’re always doing something.
Men with children under the age of five had at least 4.5 hours more leisure time than women.
This seems like such a ridiculous statistic because children under the age of five take up so much time. For men to have nearly five hours more entirely free for their leisure when women are probably dealing with post-partum issues, nursing, and caring for toddlers who consider their moms an extension of themselves is quite upsetting.
Many of these free hours for men could be used to take on some of the mental load and not just ‘help out’ but actively step up to their role in the house as parents and partners. Most of the women I know ‘multitask’ even when they’re supposed to be enjoying their free time.
An easy solution to this free time disparity is for women to pick up hobbies that take them away from the house during “caretaking” hours. But that probably won’t be as well-received as men’s hobbies.
A more (realistic?) equitable solution is for couples (with children) to be aware of how much time their hobbies take them and if there’s really a fair distribution of free time. It may not always be 50-50, but awareness brings progress and understanding.
Hell, who knows, we may see a day when moms take entire Saturdays off guilt-free, while dads do that on Sundays, and perhaps we’ll have a four-day work week for some good ol’ family day on the other weekend-day.
We can only hope.
p.s. sorry this is a day late, was a bit knackered yesterday.
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Paige's reels: Part 1 & Part 2 + See the free time inequality in action
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In sharp contrast, unmarried women & those without children are the happiest demographic in the population, according to a behavioural scientist at LSE. In fact, they’re more likely to live longer, too.
Brb, trying to find hobbies that take me out of the house!!
Loved this. I am not married, but I do find myself downplaying my own hobbies as "silly" or "frivolous" even when they mean a lot to me! I joke about my silly grandma hobbies, but I should take them as seriously as men do their gaming or golf, and treat them with the same respect, because they do bring me joy. Thank you for this read!