Can we lighten women's mental load?
Can we lighten women's mental load?
There's a lot of invisible labour that keeps our world running.
A little note about this newsletter: I may need to take an impromptu break every so often, but I’ll follow the 2-time rule: unless I’m on holiday and have told y’all in advance, I won’t take two weeks off in a row from the newsletter. As it turns out, I write a lot about toxic productivity and hustle culture and doing too much, but it’s easier to talk the talk than walk the walk. This note about maybe occasionally taking time off this labour of love is my first step on that walk. Thanks for sticking around, and for everyone who’s joined us in the last two weeks, welcome!
Many houses have a magic table. It’s where folks (mostly men) can leave their things (dirty dishes, glasses, random crap) and then it’s magically cleared up the next day!
It doesn’t have to be a table necessarily, in your house. Could be a surface, like your sofa, bed, or floor, where you drop your clothes instead of in the hamper.
Now, unless you’re this man, you know full well where the magic in the magic table comes from — the invisible labour of a woman in your house.
What even is a mental load?
A few years ago, I came across a comic where Emma, a French comic artist, illustrated ‘The Mental Load’. Before this, I had no idea just how much women to do to keep a house running — mind you, this is also before I lived on my own and then with a partner.
Basically, the mental load is all the little little things someone does around the house for you that you don’t even realize. More often than not, this mental load is almost always carried by women. It’s not big, visible chores like taking out the trash or sweeping/mopping the floors.
It’s stuff like:
Filling in the soap in the bottles, ensuring a near-constant supply of toiletries and other small miscellaneous items we all think are just there in our houses.
Other times, it involves childcare. How many dads defer to the moms about the kids’ allergies? Medical history? Heck, so many dads can’t even keep their kids’ birthdays and ages straight. It’s shameful. Or it should be.
If the dads partook in their kids’ lives on a granular level instead of just showing up, dropping them off at the party, and picking them up, would it kill them?
Women already do the bulk of the childcare (there’s little to no compensation for the nine months of pregnancy, but we’ll discuss that another time).
Now, as it turns out, schools are to blame as well. Look at this ridiculous but true example:
Mothers/women don’t have a special in-built computer to finagle their kids’ appointments or schedules in their brains.
All these little things don’t ‘come naturally’ to women. Instead, it’s ingrained in us — reinforced by societal norms and patriarchal structures.
You should’ve asked for help!
If you have a sister (your own or a cousin or really, any female relative around your age) and you’re a man, think back to the times your parents asked you to help out vs how they expected the girl to jump in without being asked.
The ‘asking’ is a key point here. Boys are not taught to take any sort of initiative. Mothers mollycoddle them (especially in my culture — Indian boys can be abysmally inept at even the most basic tasks of their own life).
Fathers and sons sit out in the living room, enjoying cold beers or drinks and watching a sport on the telly. Mothers and daughters slave in the kitchen, cooking food and serving it hot to their husbands and brothers. They themselves will eat it cold or, in extreme but unfortunately common cases, eat the leftovers.
I love this video of this little kid telling guests to eat and leave ASAP because his mom has been in the kitchen cooking them food all day. What’s telling is that the group of men sitting around and eating food laugh endearingly at the child and his bravado, but there’s not a single woman outside — cultural differences, sure. But why can’t the men cook and serve the women? Would that be blasphemy?
No, that’s a role reversal of the worst kind. What we need is the hosts — both of them — to cook together and be able to enjoy the company of their guests together. Or, another way I think is great is — you cook and serve and entertain your friends while I’ll do it for mine. Again, equal and equitable workload distribution is critical here — both physical and mental. It’ll differ for different people, but no one should feel hard done by (all the time, at least).
So, how can we make this invisible labour visible?
Women make up 52% of the adults on this planet and do 75% of the work required to maintain 100% of the population.
A new generation of men who consider themselves ‘woke’ and proudly label themselves feminist still don’t care or understand the mental load. And you know what, I can’t fault them entirely. Unless it’s shown to them how much women take on (both physically and mentally), how are they to know? Our society places men on a pedestal as much as it places women near their feet.
Now — what if we tell men (and this issue of Not Controversial is telling men), then what? Do we magically expect that men can jump up and take on the same level or more of the mental load from women?
If you think yes, then you have that magic table, don’t you?
No, change is slow. Change, much like women’s labour at homes, is invisible. Women take on more of the mental load and keep the house running, with men being none the wiser. To compensate, when splitting chores, men can take on an additional chore or two to ensure the distribution is fair and the mental load is accounted for.
For example, if you and your spouse have a schedule for doing the chores (who/when), who makes the schedule? That person gets one less chore because making the schedule and helping both of you stick to it is also a chore. It may seem like nothing, but several ‘nothings’ like this can add up.
Now, for my fellow women who do too much and then get pissed off that the men don’t do enough — Stop.
Men don’t realize just how much women do around the house because women keep doing it. You keep filling the soap, you remember the kid’s appointments, and you manage everything because the house would fall into shambles if you didn’t.
Well maybe that’s the only way to help men learn and understand then. I’m not saying, “Miss your kid’s appointments!” but wherever possible, let go (big words from me, who’s unable to do this herself). Let go and also inform the men that you’re letting go. That you’ve been doing it all this whole time, but you need them to step up.
It’s shitty having to ask for help when it’s half their job too. But it is what it is.
Send your spouse the comic on mental load. Heck, send it to everyone you know.
Send this newsletter, too, if that comic is too polite.
Men, step up. You shouldn’t need to be asked to help around your own house.
Women, try sharing the mental load, asking for help, and telling them you shouldn’t have to ask again.
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I will never be able to stop being shocked at the magic table and the magic soap dispenser that never emptied.
My husband and I have a pretty equal split on the chores and duties, but the mental load is absolutely all on my shoulders. The thing is, it’s so ingrained in me that even if he wanted to take over some of it, I wouldn’t want to let go of that control.
I opened my laptop after an exhausting day to read your email and it hit me. This is what I have been grappling with... the mental load.
Thank you for writing about this. Keep writing.