Are you really gossiping or just talking?

Gossiping about gossip; we're getting meta here today!

“We’ve become such a gossipy coven!” 

That’s what I sent on my group chat¹ the other day. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t meant as an insult but merely an observation. It felt like we’d recently devolved into ‘gossiping’ about random things — celebrities, work folks, older college mates, etc. 

A couple of days after that, very coincidentally, of course, I get two different reels that extol the act of gossiping and explore how it’s actually criticised and condemned more so because it’s considered something women partake in more than men. 

Let’s forget that my chat was supposed to be encrypted and all that jazz. Let’s talk about gossiping and what it’s implied/implies today. 

Some goss on gossiping

Spot that little ‘Derogatory’ — it’s like the third definition. Not the main one.

Previously, gossip, created from two words, ‘god’ and ‘sibb’, meant godparents or baptismal sponsors — folks close to the family. In the 1500s, it took on a different meaning: “a person, mostly a woman, one who delights in idle talk, a newsmonger, a tattler.”

Why women? 

It’s because, eventually, god sibbs/gossips were [done] around someone’s childbirth. 

The term [gossip] originates from the bedroom at the time of childbirth. Giving birth used to be a social event exclusively attended by women. The pregnant woman’s female relatives and neighbours would congregate and idly converse. Over time, gossip came to mean talk of others. 

Since men have historically shied away from openly discussing (or allowing discussions of) female issues like menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause, etc., it makes sense that only women were around someone giving birth. And since medicines weren’t as freely available, labour could go on for several days, and while folks waited, they chit-chatted. This eventually led to them being termed gossipers. 

This was one of the very rare safe spaces for women at the time to speak freely without male chaperones or guardians. Women could discuss things they were struggling with, ask for help and advice, share tips with younger women, etc. 

As history tells us, it’s not smooth sailing for women once men get wind of something that doesn’t include them. I assume they were probably worried about what women would say or say to each other that could harm their reputation. Enter: The Scold’s Bridle (also called Branking). A tool designed to (pardon my French) shut women up or shame them from talking. 

Source: Wikipedia

Branking (in Scotland and the North of England) was designed as a mirror punishment for shrews or scolds—women of the lower classes whose speech was deemed “riotous” or “troublesome” — by preventing them from speaking. This also gives it its other name, ‘The Gossip’s Bridle’.

Between the witch hunts and the gossip police, it doesn’t seem like it was a fun time for women in the world (although, when is it?). This is why the term ‘gossipy coven’ is even more interesting to me. 

Most of us know a bit about the witch hunts and how those trials ended in the murder of several thousand women who probably weren’t witches. Those who survived but were under suspicion were probably treated to intense scrutiny even when they were probably just hanging out with their friends and sharing info about whatever was interesting that day. 

Gossiping wasn’t only looked down upon but punishable by law. In 1547, a proclamation was issued “forbidding women to meet together to babble and talk”.

Today, gossiping, dishing, spilling the tea, etc., are common practices, but there’s still a clear undertone of disdain and disapproval. Whether it’s folks claiming that all women do is gossip and tear each other down or saying that gossiping is wasted time, there’s a lot of criticism against gossiping even today. The words bitchy, catty, spiteful, etc. are commonly associated with women gossiping. 

What’s the actual tea about gossip now?

[When] we strip the term gossip of these sexist connotations, studies have shown that gossiping actually makes you more reflective, with positive gossip inspiring self-improvement efforts, and negative gossip making people feel proud about themselves. 

And when it comes to men vs women gossiping? 

As it turns out, women don’t participate in any more ‘tear-down’ gossip than men. And almost everyone partakes in ~52 minutes of gossip every day. The idea is that gossip refers to conversations about people when they’re not present — behind their backs, as it were — and it can be positive, negative, or neutral. 

When do women gossip more? “Women gossip more than men, but only in neutral, information-sharing gossip.”

Oh, and let’s not forget the intersection of wealth and gossip: “Poorer, less education people don’t gossip more than wealthier, better-educated people. This runs contrary to assertions found in popular “best habits of the rich” books.”

Let’s pause for a second. 

In theory, it seems like men and women gossip a similar amount, but gossip is predominantly considered a woman’s pastime. I think there are a lot of reasons for that, and misogyny is just one of them. 

• Women have only just begun entering the workforce in the last few decades. So they’ve only had the opportunity to engage in ‘productive conversations’ since then. Before that, all of their conversations probably revolved around social things like relationships, families, homemaking, childcare, who-did-what, etc.

• Men gossip just as much; it’s just that it’s called by different names. For example, when studies state that women gossip more about looks because it’s easier for them to find the right mate², my mind goes directly to locker room talk, which is just a different flavour of this take on gossip. Also, the word networking didn’t come out of nowhere — whether it’s networking & golf or business meetings where they discuss how badly another company’s CEO is doing, it’s all a form of gossip. 

• A lot of ‘women’s gossip’ isn’t palatable to men because it’s about them. Gossip has a negative rap but it’s a tool for women to share information and protect each other. 

Long before #MeToo, women who had become victims of sexual abuse and who spoke out against sexual violence were pillorised through gossip and stigmatised as gossips in the public sphere. As a consequence, women have resorted to private forms of communication―so-called “whisper networks”―to warn each other about abuse and harassment. 

• Women talking becomes a problem when it doesn’t serve men. When it was time to share recipes or work together to reduce or eliminate any effort from men, it was great, lauded, even. For example: 

“In many parts of the world, women have historically been seen as the weavers of memory — those who keep alive the voices of the past and the histories of the communities, who transmit them to the future generations and, in so doing, create a collective identity and profound sense of cohesion.”

I suppose when it’s useful to society as a whole, not just women, gossip is okay, and then it’s “sharing history or stories” or something equally sentimental and lovely. 

Idle talk allows women to let off steam, connect and form friendships based on common interests. Besides, even research shows that of all the gossip in the world, only three per cent is truly malicious.

I’m not saying all gossip is good or even, necessary. Sure, there’s something to be said about exercising caution, lest you say some shit about someone that ruins their day/life. But that’s common sense (or should be, anyway). Especially since, 

New theoretical research conducted by the University of Maryland and Stanford University researchers argues that gossipers aren’t all that bad. In fact, they might even be good for social circles.

Gossiping—defined as the exchange of personal information about absent third parties—can provide a “social benefit,” according to the researchers. Their study revealed that gossip is good at disseminating information about people’s reputations, which can help reci­pients of these tips connect with cooperative people while avoiding selfish ones.

So, I guess, to conclude, 

“Gossip is sexy. Gossip is good. Not everybody does it, but everybody should!” ― Cecily von Ziegesar, Gossip Girl

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From my open tabs to yours ✨

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• The history of the universe compressed into 1 year (1 min watch)

• Did you get to watch the eclipse yesterday? Tell me about it! 

• A lil encouragement for all my fellow friends and folks trying their best to create something in a world that seems over-saturated with stuff: 

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1. This very group chat helped me edit the subject line of this email. SO to StudioTannies!

2. It’s not like women have been basically cajoled and conditioned to find the perfect mate ASAP lest they remain a spinster, no?