The Perfection Paralysis Paradox
Hannah Montana said it right — nobody's perfect.
Picture this.
You have a task to do. One you've probably done a few times before. But you've placed high expectations on yourself. What if you don't meet those expectations (this time)? Heck, what if you don't even brush by those expectations in the crowd?
Now, you're paralyzed. Unable to start at all.
After all, if you don't start, you can't fail.
And that, my friends, is what I call the perfection paralysis paradox.
Unlike my other issues, I actually wrote most of this issue almost a month ago. Back then, I was desperately trying to convince my brain to do something it'd already done several times before — write.
This is fairly usual for me. And once again, because I know that I am not all that unique, I figured some of you might also relate to this. This is the inability to do your thing because you're worried it won't be perfect (or even good). It doesn't matter if you've done it or done it well before, your brain is on a non-cooperative strike, and lord knows when it'll agree to negotiate.
Pobody's Nerfect
If I'm not doin' too well
Why be so hard on myself?If things don't turn out the way you planned
Figure something else out
Don't stay down
Try again — Hannah Montana
In the last two or so months, I've skipped a few issues of this newsletter (thanks for sticking around!), and while most of those were because of Covid-19, there were a couple that I couldn't write for a different reason. It's because I was mentally checked out; I couldn't fathom how or why to write that week's issue anymore.
Sometime during the process of choosing the idea and actually writing it, my brain began expecting too much. It had to capture all my thoughts perfectly and in a highly relatable manner — otherwise, I may as well not do it.
When I took a moment to introspect, without the pressure of time running out on me and thoughts that I've disappointed everyone, including myself — I realized this desire to be perfect is what was (and continues to) hold me back. (Duh.)
Our not-at-all well-adjusted society placed an undue amount of importance on doing things perfectly or well. As a result, there's little, if any, scope to fail and learn from mistakes. Unless, of course, you write about it in a cringe-y LinkedIn post1.
This means that most of us expect a lot from ourselves and from others. We forgive mistakes once or twice, but the third time, you'll most likely be driven to give up — either by yourself or a bad manager/boss/mentor/support person who won't let you learn and grow from your mistakes.
You can’t always get what you want
To do something perfectly, you have to control several, if not all, elements that can impact it. As most of us know, that is near impossible on even the best days. Even when your motivation levels line up with an exciting project, you can be thrown off course by a stomach ache or period cramps that stop you from doing everything perfectly.
I like control. It tells me what's going to happen and what I'm expected to do. So I chart out my days and weeks as best as I can, trying to calculate for almost everything. But what happens when, despite everything, I'm still sitting in front of a blank word doc, stressing over the first sentence?
Perfectionism can be achieved through total control — when you can control every variable that can impact what you're doing, you're golden. Of course, this is a utopian and unrealistic scenario — you're never going to be able to do that. The sooner we all come to this realization, the sooner we'll actually be able to do our best, but better.
Fail and fail better
This is something a professor used to say during my MA. The first time I heard it, I was a bit confused — failing more than once? Absolutely unhinged.
Turns out, it means that when you do something, be okay with failing. So when you fail a second time — make your second attempt better and fail in a different way. This way, you'll be able to know what doesn't work — something that's as important as knowing what does work.
It doesn't take a genius to realize that everyone is losing it right now. We're still in the middle of a pandemic — one that seems to be ramping up even though we're doing better with vaccinations. We were not meant to be in fight-or-flight mode for this long; our brains and bodies aren't equipped for that.
That's why it makes sense if it's taking you longer to do things now. If you're unable to properly do something, you were able to before. If you're struggling with basic things. There are a lot of factors working against you, so cut yourself some slack, dial down the perfectionism meter, and thank yourself for still trying.
How do I deal?
A great question. If you caught the missing newsletters, then you'll realize — not very well. But like I told you to do above, I'm cutting myself some slack. In my research, I've found that taking a break is extremely beneficial when it comes to tackling this overwhelming feeling.
Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes – including you." — Anne Lamott.
It doesn't have to be a hiatus. It can be a break for an hour or a day. Whatever it takes for you to detach from your expectations, cash in a reality check, and come back to do your best on that day.
Another thing I recommend is getting some objective feedback2. We tend to underestimate what we do after a few tries. It's easy to forget what we're capable of and that we've done it before (that means we can do it again — even if it's not the same way). Go back and see how you did it the last time, ask a friend to evaluate, or ask for support. Gaining some perspective can help you break the task down to its bare essentials. That way, it won't be as scary anymore.
I've written 20+ editions of this newsletter already — that's more than a few. I've got the hang of it, no one holds a gun to my head to write it, and I do it willingly, happily, but starting a new one always trips me up. Sometimes, my expectations get the better of me, and I procrastinate until the very last minute and then write like crazy so it can be in your inboxes while it's still Tuesday somewhere.
I've also found that changing what I can (aka another way to control) was really helpful too. While I loved sending the newsletter out on Fridays, I couldn't make it work long-term. I was afraid of switching it up but moving to Tuesdays has been better for me. I might switch it up again if this doesn't work. But like I said, at least now I know what doesn't work. That's useful too.
It's okay to fail. It's okay to not be as successful as you were the last time. Or like you were expecting. Starting something, anything, takes courage, and you most likely have that in spades. Dig a little for it.
Continuing to do your best is underrated as fuck, so give yourself a clap on the back, shake your perfection paralysis off, and rock on.
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Weekly faves! 💌
This is a little too textbook-y for my tastes, but here are seven ways to help you get over perfection paralysis and stop procrastinating. If someone can tell me how I can just simply lower my expectations, just like that, I'd appreciate it. Is there a hack?
The Theory of Good Enough — You don't have to settle, but sometimes trying to get everything perfect can actually stop you from succeeding.
I hate paywalls as much as the next person, so TY to Vidya from The Curious Bunch for sharing this useful little website you can use to bypass some paywalls.
Last week, I accidentally hyperlinked the fun dancers' wedding video3 twice instead of why hyperlinks are blue. It's the correct link this time; I've checked.
Along with perfection paralysis, are you also dealing with a wall of awful? This is a very helpful video to watch that might help you realize why you have a hard time doing easy things.
Fun ways to say bye below. Maybe don’t use the last one to sign off on your emails — or do, if you’re so bold.
Thanks for reading!
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See you next week! 👋🏽
We’ve all done it. Or we’re all gonna do it — LinkedIn gets us all.
Speaking of feedback, lmk what you thought of this edition using that anon form above!
Anyone else think this video is pure serotonin?