There's no need to be positive all the time
Toxic positivity vs. hope.
Yesterday was World Mental Health Day, and that's why, today, I'm changing up the newsletter style slightly (this is how I write my creative blog pieces — some thoughts, mostly vibes).
It’s a truth universally acknowledged that anyone seeking a job will constantly go through rejections and ghosting. Even as I write this, I expect another rejection to trickle through my inbox — and most of the time, I’m okay with it. I know applying for jobs is a thankless and invisible process, and you only need to succeed once.
But every so often, the continuous non-communication or pipeline of rejections can get to you. And that’s exactly what happened to me last week. Like anyone else, I vented to a loved one and seeing me hurt and angry, they tried to make me feel better (which I massively appreciate) by telling me not to take these rejections to heart and that it was only a matter of time before I found something.
Much as I appreciated their words, they also rang hollow. Even though I didn’t know it then, all I wanted was for them to say, “That sucks,” and maybe listen to me curse out the company that didn’t want to give me feedback after 2 interviews and a free test1.
“Except I hadn’t really been asking her to tell me what to do. I’d been seeking comfort. I was asking her to listen as I thrashed out this dilemma and the constellation of worries that came with it.” — Why You Shouldn’t Give Your Friends Advice
The person I vented said the same things I would’ve said. We all try and fix the issue or tell them how things will change soon, so there’s no point feeling too sad about it.
How social media feeds into toxic positivity
In the last few years, toxic positivity (this spiel of everything will be okay) has really gone mainstream. You cannot escape it, and often, you don’t even realize you’ve fallen into the trap of trying to tough out your emotions and feelings. But how do you know? Do you know for sure everything’s gonna be okay, or is that something you’re basing off historical patterns? Maybe it is going to be okay. And perhaps this is a great silver lining, but the point remains that it’s raining, and it’s a whole storm. So it’s perfectly valid to feel shitty and sad and express that.
“Toxic positivity is dangerous because it creates a stigma around sadness, insecurity, and self-doubt. Those feelings are totally normal and valid. Welcome to being a human!” — Sarah Mirk
The new fad on LinkedIn is total acceptance of failure — only if you try again, of course. On Instagram, you only see the bright and happy moments in anyone’s life — unless, of course, they’re showing you a moment they were down but then came right back up. If someone’s shared something asking for support, our first instinct is to tell them it’s going to be okay; you’re going to get through it. That’s great, in a way. But also highly detrimental in others.
“Often disguised as Instagram gurus, positivity princesses love a Pinterest quote, and truly believe that the power of positive thinking can cure everything. This kind of advice usually glosses over the severity of the situation. It’s all sunshine, rainbows and daily affirmations.”
Research shows that forced toxic positivity decreases genuine compassion (especially on social media sites). We all know just how manufactured social media is, but that doesn’t stop us from comparing or feeling bad about ourselves. From finding silver linings to telling yourself/others, ‘it’s not as bad as ____’ or ‘look on the bright side!’, toxic positivity has seeped so seamlessly into our language and the way we think it should be scary.
Scary because we’ve all, collectively, as a world, gone through incredible amounts of trauma in the last few years. A pandemic, raging global warming consequences, economic collapses, and the whole uncertainty around life as we know it — and yet, we tell ourselves, it’s okay; it’s not like we don’t have food/shelter/clothing.
And while it’s essential to maintain a somewhat positive mindset, we also need to find the balance between properly understanding our feelings and situations and expressing them to ourselves/others.
“For some, the response to a global pandemic was to be overly positive and optimistic, which results in avoidance of experiencing the painful emotions that come with the reality of the situation. With avoidance comes a lack of acceptance, and that is harmful.”
The opposite of negativity is not constant positivity
I’m one of those people who has a hard time processing her emotions and feelings. I’d rather just think about it and quickly move on. But as anyone who’s a human would know, feelings have a way of coming up at the wrong moments if you don’t give yourself some space and time to understand them. Of course, it’s easier to talk the talk than walk the walk2 — but you know what, I’m trying to be truer to my feelings, thoughts, and emotions, and I think it’s helping? Who knows. It’s certainly better than being poisonously positive and dismissing everything.
When researching for this piece, I saw someone refer to toxic positivity as gaslighting. And while I understand how they reached that conclusion, I think most of us are pretty unaware of how unhealthy our positivity or optimism can be for the other person or in the long run. The first step is awareness, and that’s when we can fix the issue.
The solution isn’t to be pessimistic and cynical all the time, completely undoing any positive or optimistic impact. It’s to give space to those emotions and understand they’re part and parcel of being a human living in this chaotic world. The same article (the one that said it was like gaslighting) also said it’s important to distinguish it from hope.
After the last two years, I think we’ve learned the hard way that not everything positive3 is a good thing. 💀
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Thanks for reading! Don’t forget to hit like and share this issue if you enjoyed it. 🖤
I’ll see you next week — maybe not at the same time, but definitely the same place.
I kept the IP of the test piece, and it’s on my website as a spec piece; no free content for anyone if I can help it — except this newsletter.
I’m sure my therapist would be very amused at what I’m writing because it’s so hard to put it into practice.
Just in case you missed that, I’m talking about positive covid test results.