Do you talk to your spouse about money?

Whisper sweet nothings, and then also find some time for some open, honest conversations about money.

In the olden days Until 1974, women couldn’t get a credit card in their own name in the US. For the uninitiated, that’s a ‘developed, first-world’ country. That’s a mere 48 years ago, and I’m pretty certain some of you reading this issue are older than that. They had to get their husbands to co-sign their bank accounts — so they didn’t have any money that was entirely their own. 

Even today, several banks will let men withdraw money from joint accounts without the wife’s presence. But the reverse isn’t applicable — they’ll ask for your husband and most likely won’t allow you independent access to withdraw a large sum on your own. 

Now, as women have been (rightly) demanding (and sometimes getting) equal rights, the discussion of who makes the monetary decisions in the house should be split, but that’s easier said than done. It doesn’t take a new law and a decade to undo generations of gatekeeping when it comes to financial knowledge. Women may be earning money, but they’re hardly equipped with the same amount of insider info about investments, growing wealth, etc. 

One significant way to rectify this and ensure that women are equally financially independent and knowledgeable is transparency — especially from their spouses and partners. 

So, what’s the deal with prenups?

Sometime in 2020, during the long days of the lockdown, the algorithm recommended several divorce lawyer reels to me. While I’m still puzzled about the why, I’m very grateful for the information I gained — stuff I probably wouldn’t have realised otherwise. 

As it turns out, prenups¹ aren’t inherently evil and untrustworthy. They’re also not just for the megarich. 

Along with being a symbol of love and lifelong commitment, marriages are also a contract. You sign it for life, and if you decide to end it, along with some stigma, there are also tangible consequences. For example, you may have to pay alimony, lose a certain portion of your wealth, etc.

Your marriage contract is the government’s prenup — so either you make your own, or you follow what the government in your country/state/city demands in the event of a split.  

To sum it up, marriage is a community thing. Property, wealth, and yes, even kids, can be considered “community” creations, so they’re subject to an even split despite “when” you accrued that specific thing. This is all very top-level stuff, so don’t hold me to the legalese, but the gist is that the money earned and then debts taken on in a marriage can affect both parties. 

Learning that one person’s debt can cross over to their spouse (in the event of divorce or death) helped me understand some Bollywood movie plots a bit more. Now it made sense why there was always a weeping widow trying to pay back her husband’s larger-than-life debt. 

One of the reasons prenups have seemed unnecessary is because they feel like people don’t trust each other — then what’s the point of marrying, right? But debt isn’t just what someone sneakily takes on either with their credit card or in an informal setting. Medical debt can cripple partners and whole families in countries without universal healthcare.

Make sure everyone involved is on the same page

Transparency — from the start of the relationship — can be immensely beneficial when it comes to marriages, live-ins, or whatever form of relationship you have. You don’t want to fall deeply in love before discovering that your partner is uncomfortable if you make more money than them. It’s better to find out if your partner has a tendency to spend more than they can afford — leading them (and you, in the future) to take on debt. In some countries, where men still hold all the power, they can make bad financial decisions, losing the roof over their heads or gambling away any money under the influence. 

Openly talking about money can also make life more equitable and more manageable for both spouses. From figuring out who should do the childcare to a fair split of the bills, transparency around finances can reduce the number of arguments you might have. 

Let’s take the first example — childcare and staying at home have historically been a woman’s (unpaid) job. But in this collapsing economy, resorting to gender roles can end up costing your family dearly. I’m not certain I buy the whole “women are better at it” bit about childcare and homemaking. We’re just societally raised to be better at it — so we can raise the next generation of men similarly. Everyone needs to be able to take care of their children and homes.

In a different setting, being clear about your earnings and how you save/spend can lead to a better, more equitable bill split. For example, imagine if 3/4ths of your paycheck went to bills but only 1/4th of your partners did — both of you make vastly different amounts, so why is the split “equal” and not “equitable” — aka, 40% of both of your incomes set aside for household stuff. Over time, the ‘equal’ arrangement can build resentment because one partner clearly has less money for their own expenses and savings.

Talking about money with your partner before and during your relationship helps you make better financial decisions. Whether you choose to combine finances or not, your purchasing decisions can impact your life — do you want name-brand groceries or the higher-end stuff? Can you both afford expensive cars and all the costs associated with them? What about savings and pensions, and retirement plans? 

All these questions point to a long-term goal of living/being together. But you need to know if your student debt might be a deal-breaker for them. Or perhaps you may not be able to deal with their tendency to take a luxurious vacation every six months. Both of you may not approve or be okay with how and how much you’ve saved. 

But it’s better to figure all this out early (not at a first date²) if you think the relationship has potential. 

Another big reason to be open about money with your spouse is that you build the same mindset and are open with your family members and potential kids. This makes it easier to ask for and receive help, and vice-versa. 

When it comes to kids, being open about money early on can reduce the stigma they’d feel as they grow older. Being more financially knowledgeable also allows them to invest and grow whatever they earn earlier than their peers — this is how generational knowledge keeps the rich rich, while the poor have to fight to escape the vicious circle of poverty. 

Other important money issues to check out:

• How much do you make? (De-stigmatizing money talks.)

• Do you talk about money with your friends?

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Nia’s Newsletter Rec

The Copy Coven, Emma Cownley's newsletter, is a magickal monthly missive for writers who want to blend their craft with The Craft. You might remember her from the issue where I talked about celebrating small wins (and her weekly wins sheet). I subscribe to her newsletter for some neat, mindful exercises that help me gain more insight into my writing or my freelancing. I also highly, highly recommend her YouTube Channel if you're interested in freelancing (or freelance writing) at all. 

From my many, many, open tabs:

I have like 40 tabs open on Chrome, and another 32 open on Ecosia on my phone. Don’t ask me about the laptop.

• Get philosophical with absurd trolley problems. Or waste time at work, whatever's your fancy. 

• A great list fo 70+ Asian books to read in 2023.

• Tip: You've probably already seen reels & tiktoks about this, but it's still early in the year — make a weekly wins sheet like Emma recommends and note down all your work achievements in that. It'll help you negotiate a better raise/promotion/new job. 

• In Marienthal, a small Austrian village, everyone is employed. There's a system to give meaningful employment to everyone. How does it impact the residents? 

• 5 (relatively) quick stretches for folks like me who live an extremely sedentary lifestyle. 

• A recipe generator to help you figure out what to cook with whatever's gonna go bad in your fridge. 

• This past week, it has rained, hailed, snowed, and been incredibly sunny — all in one day (and also across the week). Here's the view from my doorstep:

Nia 💌 @sleepyhollowkid

Amsterdam suburbs are kinda cute when it snows real hard 🥰

Thanks for reading! I’ll see you next week — maybe not at the same time, but definitely the same place.

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1. Something I found extra interesting is that most countries (developed, developing, etc.) don’t recognise prenups unless they meet several (pre-existing, potentially archaic) conditions.

2. Yes, I realize talking about money too quickly can potentially be disastrous if you find someone who is only with you for your money. Just exercise prudence and transparency once you’ve verified they’re not out for your wealth.