Lesser than [insert weak person's name here]
Let's talk about judgement, outgrowing beliefs, and changing our minds and why that feels so shameful.
The irritating but gratifying part of going through your 20s is realizing how little you know yourself. The irritation is self-explanatory, but the gratification comes whenever I discover something that helps me understand ‘why’ I’m the way I am. There’s a reason for every belief I hold, the way I behave, the things I like to eat, and the things I dislike vehemently — except I don’t know them for several things.
That’s because most of us form these beliefs, these likes and dislikes in our early years (and yes, that’s until your late teens/early 20s for some). We map out our lives, make huge decisions, and make plans based on what we liked at that defining age (it’s different for all of us). These become our ‘guiding’ principles, and we reorient a lot of our lives to match them. Often, these principles can be what we think of as ‘success’ for us — I’ve talked about this before, when we explored our society’s obsession with milestones and hitting them as soon as possible (or at the ‘right’ time).
Why are we the way that we are?
As a teenager, I had some very strongly held beliefs on many things. Let’s take feminism as an example — I always thought that it was important for women to fight to work, fight to prioritize their career, etc. And whenever I saw a girl or a woman prioritizing something else (their partner, marriage, kids, family, etc.) I judged her. Very harshly. It took me a few years to realize that the whole point of feminism was about choice and the right to choose what works best for you.
Back then, it was old-fashioned judgement; today’s generation has a name for girls/women who dismiss their feminine qualities/interests to gain more attention from boys/men — the pick me girl. It’s a bit different from someone who kept pining away behind their boyfriend or wanted to be ‘loved/in love’ more than succeeding at school/work.
It’s easier to judge pick-mes openly today, but I’m 100% certain that almost every girl has gone through that phase in life. We’ve pitted ourselves against other girls and accidentally practised (internalized) misogyny towards those who weren’t outwardly feminist or who made choices that didn’t ring true for our set beliefs.
These are the same beliefs and principles we set as teenagers, emulating our parents/going against them at a time when we’ve had few real brushes with the world. Most of us grow up within specific circles, surrounded by like-minded people, so it’s easy for us to set similar goals and ideals and receive support for them. Then, if someone comes along who doesn’t have similar principles or who moves back and forth between their principles, it doesn’t sit well with us.
Everybody wants to rule judge the world
As humans, we’re insanely quick to judge others on what they’re doing with their lives. It would be super easy for me to say, oh, well, let’s not judge others and end this newsletter here. But that’s easier said than done — it’s human nature to dissect and talk about others and pass judgment. Everyone does it to everyone. It’s ugly, but it’s true, and preaching about how it’s morally wrong to judge others for their decisions/actions (unless it’s hurting someone) isn’t going to make us stop judging others all of a sudden.
It’ll be easier to be kinder when we’re judging others if we realize that we may also have to go back on our principles at some point. We all outgrow some of our ideals, principles, and beliefs throughout our lives.
The concept that we’d outgrow old versions of ourselves isn’t new — in fact, it’s generally considered a positive: You grow out of old beliefs as your worldview expands; you grow out of habits or routines that no longer make sense for your life.
Now, as I see friends reprioritize their careers or lives for their partners, ageing parents, or simply changing their minds, I realize how quick I was to judge some of my classmates for doing that a few years ago. In our minds, we tend to think, “Oh, I’d never do that; I’m not as stupid/weak as them. They can’t cope with tough decisions and have taken the easy way out.” Well, I’ve got news for you, friend — we’re all going to be that ‘weak’ person sometime in our lives. When we have to make decisions against principles; ideals we never thought we’d waver on.
When you ease up on judging other people for their decisions, you can be kinder to yourself when you may need to make these decisions yourself.
We all have a few people we think we’d never be like; they’re lesser than (<) us.
Back to how I began this post — the human experience is constant growth. Sometimes, it’s annoying; sometimes, it’s painful; other times, it’s unexpected. That includes outgrowing what you thought works for you, your life, and what success means in your eyes.
The best/worst thing is that this will keep happening. We just have to decide if we want to stick to principles/beliefs that don’t work for us anymore or open ourselves up to new perspectives and be okay with making different choices that maybe our teenage selves wouldn’t really understand.
That means finding out why you hold particular beliefs, ideals, and principles and checking if they still make sense for you. And if they don’t, it’s okay.
Shoutout to Kriti for helping me think through this issue! 💜
This one is a bit different from my usual issues; what did you think of it?
Your anonymous feedback helps me improve. Thanks!
If you liked this issue (or like the newsletter in general), feel free to buy me a coffee or two — or you can share it somewhere!
Nia's Newsletter Rec
Katy recommends books, podcasts, articles, and more to help you view the world through a more compassionate & mindful lens. You'll find thoughtful roundups hitting your inbox every Saturday, and sometimes, you'll also learn more about being a middle-aged human and finding peace in the frantic world we live in.
Fun things to check out this week! 👻
Check out the top tracks on last.fm for its top 30,000 artists of all time.
Witchy reads for your fall tbr, courtesy
.Want more books in your life? Here’s a list of some amazing bookish newsletters to follow (or reading-themed ones).
Let's not leave all the reflection for a chaotic December. Here are 30 end-of-year journal prompts for some quality thinking.
(Slightly) creepy tales of children remembering they lived a past life.
Two creepy short stories to read tonight: The Jaunt, Stephen King; I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream, Harlan Ellison.
Or, you can explore the size of space & feel just how tiny we truly are. And here's something fun to help you understand the scale of the universe.
Last of the Halloween special links:
Thanks for reading! Please tap the heart if you liked this issue (or like the newsletter in general) so the algorithm overlords take pity on me lol.