37 Comments

What you need is an addiction. 12-step programs are a great way to make new friends fast. I am dead serious.

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LMAO. You might be on to something here, Anne.

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Shared experience is the best bonder....

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This is so good. I’ve actually been thinking about this a lot because I still believe in the “Friends” ideal where we are all at each other’s houses all the time. I did have that for awhile when my husband and I moved into an apartment complex that had a pool and rooftop bar. We always met people in the social spaces then hung out all the time. We even had that when we moved into a house (big front porch culture here in Utah) until they all got really into mountain biking and I was left wondering where all the creative people were. Now I’m trying to figure out how to create that again. Your post has given me a lot to think about!

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I completely understand. Most of my friend circle is in a transitional stage and are moving to various parts of the world. Eventually, they might settle down in different countries and all of us have to create/become a part of a new social group. It's a sharp contrast to the early years of our friendship when we all lived around each other, went to uni together, and then stuck around during covid (a huge silver lining in the last two years).

I'm glad you found the article a good read — thanks so much for reading. :D

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I think that’s exactly it. When you move away from friends, the friendship is difference. Because you have to travel to see one another, it is scheduled and forced. I think the Friends ideal is only possible with proximity. You have to be able to walk to each other’s houses or it becomes too difficult.

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100% agree and I sorely miss that a few weeks ago I could just pop over to my best friends' house and now we're all countries/continents apart.

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Yeah that sounds like you had something amazing!!!! 🥹

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Super grateful for that, especially during Covid lockdowns. 😭🌻

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I know what you mean! I have plenty of friends but everything is always so scheduled. I miss the days when you could just sort of show up at someone's place and hang out. Or head over to the diner and the gang would be there.

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SO TRUE. I legit just saw a tiktok/reel about trying to make plans — you have to schedule something weeks if not months in advance and even then, making time for one-on-one meetups is rare because of how little time everyone has to spare.

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I refuse! I always tell me friends to just come over. I reinforce it by being notoriously bad at text messaging so they have no choice but to come over hahaha

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I absolutely love that. In my culture a lot of folks stay with their parents until (and sometimes even after) they're married so simply going over isn't as easy but it's getting better because so many are moving out or starting anew in different cities.

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What an amazing post. I am definitely struggling with this, as my good college friends and I are spread across the country and only text occasionally. And I’ve tried joining classes and groups but there are not as many as you’d think because people thing having hobbies or classes as adults is weird, and there’s an odd stigma with it. Like I’m trying all the things but making friends without work attachment is so weird and hard right now.

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Same! I went to the local library to check if they had any cool book groups I could join but everyone seems to read in their native language, so unfortunately I wouldn't be able to participate. Finding classes or activities like you mentioned is super hard too — it's not public knowledge and you have to know someone who knows what's happening in the area. And then, find the time, money, and energy for it. Oof.

Thanks for reading and I'm so glad you liked it. :)

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I recently moved to a different country ahead of my partner, and she said, without joking at all, go make us some new friends. I have way more social energy than her, but also the blinkered determination to form little societies wherever I go. But that sh** is mad hard. And I've always discounted how hard until I entered my 40s and started needing late afternoon naps.

I started a newsletter when I deleted Facebook just to stay in touch with people with whom I only had that thin digital connection. And then, I guess as a spiritual counter, I started sending physical mail again. A surprising amount of human interaction requires one person just trying harder than anyone else can or will. Even when you have every reason to see each, people will balk at even a whiff of difficulties. "But that's... on the opposite side of town."

What am I saying here... probably nothing. Humaning is hard.

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Oh, I resonate so much with this. My partner is the more social one among the two of us. Even though we're in different cities now, I've been seamlessly integrated into his friend circle (it was easier for him to find one since he's in academia).

And same, on the physical mail front. I send out loads of postcards to friends and also to strangers (via Postcrossing) and it's been so lovely to feel a shared little connection with folks around the world.

And once again, same. I've noticed this over and over again, especially during the pandemic: keeping a friendship takes sustained effort. Often, someone can lead the charge for a bit but eventually it gets frustrating being the only person trying. It's easier to see that and feel sad and mourn friendships as we get older.

You're right. Humaning is hard AF.

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Thanks for writing this! Massively important!

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Thanks so much for reading!

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Gosh, who has the time. We're all hustling/studying 24/7, so when do we rack up these 90 hours of friendship? Not to mention if you're an introvert (yup, right here!) & interacting even with your closest mates for an hour leaves you exhausted.

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You're not wrong at all, oof. Plus if there's any travel to and from involved, that's more time to account for. It's wild just how difficult adult friendships are. :(

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This didn't show up in my inbox yesterday, but thankfully I saw it on twitter! I am about to make a big move to a new city. I have some good acquaintances there but I am anxious about having to start all over again. Again.

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Oh, I wonder why it didn't show up! Maybe it went to your Promotions tab or spam? Did you happen to get last week's issue?

I'm glad you saw it on Twitter! I just read your newsletter about moving to Rome — good luck with the move and I fully feel you on starting over again. I'm gonna be in the Netherlands for a year or so, so if you come by, I'd love to meet up and hangout!

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I did get last weeks. It's August here in Rome, even email is on vacation 😂

I would love to meet up in Amsterdam, that's a great idea (and you can come down to Venice)

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Yes please! I would absolutely love that, please let me know whenever you come to Amsterdam. This also gives me an added incentive to visit Italy (which is on my bucket list anyway)! :D

(Also, so true — I'm loving the European holiday even though I'm still working lol)

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Thanks for the shout-out Nia for Work/Craft/Life - Glad it could be posted with a note about friendships, as I feel like cycles of new friendships move in tandem to our worklife.

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I love this. Although those numbers are a little overwhelming -- 200 hours in 6 weeks sounds impossible! That's 33 hours a week hanging out with somebody! But I have definitely developed close friends as an adult without hitting that exact mark.

For my Substack, I recently talked to Aimée Lutkin who wrote a book on loneliness, The Lonely Hunter, -- it might interest you! https://aliv.substack.com/p/how-to-find-your-community#details

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Ikr! I balked too and it comes out to like 4 hours a day. Then, I thought about how much quality time I spent with my friends during uni (during and outside of lectures) and how four hours seemed so little. Now, the idea of spending 200 hours with someone new I wanna befriend over six MONTHS is also such a far-off dream.

Also, I loved your podcast episode. Embracing failure is so much easier said than done but I'm legit trying to do just that now that I've got to start from scratch in a new place. Also, the bit about being open to trying new things also hit home. I like to stick to my tried and tested comfort activities but the first step to finding someone new to be comfortable around is bound to be uncomfortable. It's always useful to have this notion and idea reinforced.

Thanks so much for reading and for sharing your podcast episode! x

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Such an important topic. My husband jokes that I only leave the house to get the mail, but sometimes, it’s true. Making and maintaining friendships is so hard--especially in this world of burnout and fear and debt.

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As I've grown older, I've become more and more introverted. I can even see the difference in my social activity when I'm home around friends and when I'm somewhere new (like I am now). It's hard work to find friends in a new space, and even harder to maintain new(er) friendships.

Thanks so much for reading, Ashley (and I hope you're recovering well post-covid)!

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I've always been introverted and I have definitely become more introverted as I've gotten older. It is so difficult to find new friends but I'm at the beginning of my journey. I read this newsletter back when you wrote it, but have recently started looking at friendship in a different light. This gives me a lot to think about.

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Always up to chat about whatever's changed in your perspective, Gayla! :)

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So important! I've made most of my friends (unsurprisingly) through book club.

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Funnily enough, a huge part of my friends circle that I didn't make during college and uni are from a bookstagram/book club. Ironically, we rarely talk about books and somehow, we've become friends for life just bonding over the sheer knowledge that we love books.

Book clubs are the #1 thing I've been looking to join since I moved because I know they'll be most like me.

Thanks for reading!! :D

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This hits home. In my early 20's my social calendar was over flowing thanks to a large group of friends. We didn't need a reason to have an impromptu BBQ, we just did it. Go out for Pizza on Tuesday after work, absolutely. We worked together and played together. Today, we haven't seen each other in many years. From 30-50 we've moved, had and raised kids, dug deep to build careers while doing it, and managed the kids social lives our marriages and our homes. Even the social ties we developed between grandparents, parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, etc ... all declined thanks to COVID. Now, we must work at rebuilding these important ties, but everyones lives have gotten full and squished out the time they once dedicated to friendship. The loneliness epidemic is real.

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Gaaah I'm so sorry — it really is a frustrating aspect of adulthood no one ever prepares you for.

Thanks for reading! :)

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