This is so good. I’ve actually been thinking about this a lot because I still believe in the “Friends” ideal where we are all at each other’s houses all the time. I did have that for awhile when my husband and I moved into an apartment complex that had a pool and rooftop bar. We always met people in the social spaces then hung out all the time. We even had that when we moved into a house (big front porch culture here in Utah) until they all got really into mountain biking and I was left wondering where all the creative people were. Now I’m trying to figure out how to create that again. Your post has given me a lot to think about!
What an amazing post. I am definitely struggling with this, as my good college friends and I are spread across the country and only text occasionally. And I’ve tried joining classes and groups but there are not as many as you’d think because people thing having hobbies or classes as adults is weird, and there’s an odd stigma with it. Like I’m trying all the things but making friends without work attachment is so weird and hard right now.
I recently moved to a different country ahead of my partner, and she said, without joking at all, go make us some new friends. I have way more social energy than her, but also the blinkered determination to form little societies wherever I go. But that sh** is mad hard. And I've always discounted how hard until I entered my 40s and started needing late afternoon naps.
I started a newsletter when I deleted Facebook just to stay in touch with people with whom I only had that thin digital connection. And then, I guess as a spiritual counter, I started sending physical mail again. A surprising amount of human interaction requires one person just trying harder than anyone else can or will. Even when you have every reason to see each, people will balk at even a whiff of difficulties. "But that's... on the opposite side of town."
What am I saying here... probably nothing. Humaning is hard.
Gosh, who has the time. We're all hustling/studying 24/7, so when do we rack up these 90 hours of friendship? Not to mention if you're an introvert (yup, right here!) & interacting even with your closest mates for an hour leaves you exhausted.
This didn't show up in my inbox yesterday, but thankfully I saw it on twitter! I am about to make a big move to a new city. I have some good acquaintances there but I am anxious about having to start all over again. Again.
Thanks for the shout-out Nia for Work/Craft/Life - Glad it could be posted with a note about friendships, as I feel like cycles of new friendships move in tandem to our worklife.
I love this. Although those numbers are a little overwhelming -- 200 hours in 6 weeks sounds impossible! That's 33 hours a week hanging out with somebody! But I have definitely developed close friends as an adult without hitting that exact mark.
Such an important topic. My husband jokes that I only leave the house to get the mail, but sometimes, it’s true. Making and maintaining friendships is so hard--especially in this world of burnout and fear and debt.
This hits home. In my early 20's my social calendar was over flowing thanks to a large group of friends. We didn't need a reason to have an impromptu BBQ, we just did it. Go out for Pizza on Tuesday after work, absolutely. We worked together and played together. Today, we haven't seen each other in many years. From 30-50 we've moved, had and raised kids, dug deep to build careers while doing it, and managed the kids social lives our marriages and our homes. Even the social ties we developed between grandparents, parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, etc ... all declined thanks to COVID. Now, we must work at rebuilding these important ties, but everyones lives have gotten full and squished out the time they once dedicated to friendship. The loneliness epidemic is real.
What you need is an addiction. 12-step programs are a great way to make new friends fast. I am dead serious.
This is so good. I’ve actually been thinking about this a lot because I still believe in the “Friends” ideal where we are all at each other’s houses all the time. I did have that for awhile when my husband and I moved into an apartment complex that had a pool and rooftop bar. We always met people in the social spaces then hung out all the time. We even had that when we moved into a house (big front porch culture here in Utah) until they all got really into mountain biking and I was left wondering where all the creative people were. Now I’m trying to figure out how to create that again. Your post has given me a lot to think about!
What an amazing post. I am definitely struggling with this, as my good college friends and I are spread across the country and only text occasionally. And I’ve tried joining classes and groups but there are not as many as you’d think because people thing having hobbies or classes as adults is weird, and there’s an odd stigma with it. Like I’m trying all the things but making friends without work attachment is so weird and hard right now.
I recently moved to a different country ahead of my partner, and she said, without joking at all, go make us some new friends. I have way more social energy than her, but also the blinkered determination to form little societies wherever I go. But that sh** is mad hard. And I've always discounted how hard until I entered my 40s and started needing late afternoon naps.
I started a newsletter when I deleted Facebook just to stay in touch with people with whom I only had that thin digital connection. And then, I guess as a spiritual counter, I started sending physical mail again. A surprising amount of human interaction requires one person just trying harder than anyone else can or will. Even when you have every reason to see each, people will balk at even a whiff of difficulties. "But that's... on the opposite side of town."
What am I saying here... probably nothing. Humaning is hard.
Thanks for writing this! Massively important!
Gosh, who has the time. We're all hustling/studying 24/7, so when do we rack up these 90 hours of friendship? Not to mention if you're an introvert (yup, right here!) & interacting even with your closest mates for an hour leaves you exhausted.
This didn't show up in my inbox yesterday, but thankfully I saw it on twitter! I am about to make a big move to a new city. I have some good acquaintances there but I am anxious about having to start all over again. Again.
Thanks for the shout-out Nia for Work/Craft/Life - Glad it could be posted with a note about friendships, as I feel like cycles of new friendships move in tandem to our worklife.
I love this. Although those numbers are a little overwhelming -- 200 hours in 6 weeks sounds impossible! That's 33 hours a week hanging out with somebody! But I have definitely developed close friends as an adult without hitting that exact mark.
For my Substack, I recently talked to Aimée Lutkin who wrote a book on loneliness, The Lonely Hunter, -- it might interest you! https://aliv.substack.com/p/how-to-find-your-community#details
Such an important topic. My husband jokes that I only leave the house to get the mail, but sometimes, it’s true. Making and maintaining friendships is so hard--especially in this world of burnout and fear and debt.
So important! I've made most of my friends (unsurprisingly) through book club.
This hits home. In my early 20's my social calendar was over flowing thanks to a large group of friends. We didn't need a reason to have an impromptu BBQ, we just did it. Go out for Pizza on Tuesday after work, absolutely. We worked together and played together. Today, we haven't seen each other in many years. From 30-50 we've moved, had and raised kids, dug deep to build careers while doing it, and managed the kids social lives our marriages and our homes. Even the social ties we developed between grandparents, parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, etc ... all declined thanks to COVID. Now, we must work at rebuilding these important ties, but everyones lives have gotten full and squished out the time they once dedicated to friendship. The loneliness epidemic is real.